Mary Sue Hunter
by Elfgoddess00
Summary: Tired of those pesky Mary Sues hanging around? We have the cure! Just drop us a line! Rating for language and death of Mary Sues.


Annoyed by all those Mary Sues running around unchecked? Rest Assured, we have the cure! Take a little sampling, why don't you?

_**Chapter 1**: _

_Meet Jane. Jane Doe. _

He had just declared his undying love for the ravishing creature before him, when suddenly, there came an explosion of light to his left.

"Impossible!" he heard Hakkai cry. "Dyrdre defeated the all-powerful ancient world evil!" And so she had. She still lay in his arms, spent, dangerously close to _dying_ she had used so much of her precious energy. And yet she still had so much to give. So much more for him…

"Alright kids, this'll only take a minute, and then you can get back on to whatever it is that you're _supposed_ to be doing." a sultry female voice called, waving the smoke away. When it cleared, all present gasped.

She was _not_ anything like Dyrdre. In fact, she wasn't anything that they'd ever seen before. Dressed in expensive, wicked looking black leather, hair a short dark tangle of blood and other…unmentionables, her blue eyes had a wild look to them. She stepped forward, shouldering a massive one-man ballistic missile cannon and grinned wickedly, taking aim for the precious cargo Sanzo cradled in his arms. The priest's eyes widened, and he took a step back, twisting to the side to try and shield her. Her eyes fluttered open slowly, their beautiful, silver depths holding him entranced. He would _die_ before he'd let harm come to her.

"S-San…." Her voice was too weak. Gently, he placed trembling pale fingers against her lips to spare her the effort of speech. He would look after her, he would succeed where he had failed to protect his master.

"Who the hell're _you_?" Gojyo sounded shocked and outraged. Good, let him be. That would spare Sanzo the effort of setting the enchanting being in his arms down. He didn't want to let her go; not when she needed him now, more than ever before.

"I'm the _goddamn_ tooth fairy, boy get the _hell_ out of my way!" that same smoky, sultry voice called. There was an edge of annoyance to it now that didn't quite fit in with the drama of everything going on. Gojyo muttered something uncomplimentary, and Goku belted his battle cry loud enough to spook the dead. None of that mattered, however, as the girl in his arms stirred suddenly, her eyes opening wide in horror.

"Oh Gods, _no!_" and suddenly, she seemed to have all her strength back as she shoved him back, bouncing to her feet and rounding on the leather-clad psycho still wielding the personal cannon with maybe just a _tad_ too much enjoyment. Sanzo watched from his sudden indignant sprawl on his ass, feeling an old, familiar _annoyance_ with just about everyone and everything creep up suddenly. Dyrdre stood with her legs splayed in firm battle stance, her delicate features pushed into a determined frown. His teammates stopped any battle-preparation they had been involved in to stare like awe-struck idiots. And yes, that was _definitely_ annoyance and maybe even a bit of acid reflux creeping back up his wind-pipe.

"How did you find me?" Dyrdre was saying. Sanzo hoped she was going to finish this one soon. He had no idea how far off track they had gotten in their journey, but he was suddenly feeling the itch to start moving _big time_.

Cigarette between ruby-red lips, the woman shrugged casually, looking mostly bored and slightly anticipatory. She grinned, sly like a fox, wild like a boar, and brought the cannon into position on her shoulder. A small targeting device slid-out, and she closed her exposed eye tightly, squinting to get a good shot. "In a few minutes kitten, that ain't gonna matter." she replied callously. Sanzo _swore_ he saw fangs when those creepy blood-red lips parted. Dyrdre snorted indelicately, stamping one foot and balling her fists. His teammates had stopped looking so stupid and were now standing about casually, observing the spectacle laid before them the way one waited for a decent movie to begin.

"I was sooo careful! This isn't possible!" Had he ever thought she was an angel? Sanzo stared in bored fascination at the girl he'd been clutching at feverishly only scant moments ago. He wondered dimly if the insanity he'd been subjected to during the course of this journey had finally gotten to him. Or maybe it was the three idiots he was forced to ride with. Either way, he was well and truly feeling more than a little squirrelly, and he didn't like that at _all_. Added to everything, a massive headache seemed to be building behind his right eye, which had somehow begun twitching without his conscious consent.

"Nothing is impossible, it's just _improbable_, and I should really let you know that this wasn't even all that improbable…" this new woman in the leather sounded like a blues singer who'd been screaming into the mic all night. She smirked, and her finger moved on the trigger. An explosion of light and sound rocked their reality, and things seemed to warp for a minute; bending in a nauseating way before setting themselves right again. When the smoke cleared, there was nothing but a rainbow-colored smear where Dyrdre had been standing. Leather-clad bitch was standing a goodly distance away, tracks in the dirt telling the tale of a kickback with awesome proportions. Although, he supposed that was probably what could be expected for launching a cannon like that. Her face seemed to have taken on a shade more of the psychotic, if that was possible, and she was absolutely _coated_ in sparkly rainbow slime. Licking her lips, she smiled like a satisfied panther.

"Another one bites the dust!" she sang, sliding the cannon back into rest position on her back. A black-gloved hand wiped at some of the slime on her face, ineffectually succeeding in smearing the goop further into her skin. It was already drying in places. "Hot damn, I smell like a perfume factory!" and that was the happiest Sanzo was sure he was ever going to hear someone say that.

"Whoa, that was AWESOME!" Goku yelled, whooping and punching the air with his fist. "Can _I_ play with that gun?" Sanzo groaned, burrowing his face into the palm of his hands and feeling as if he'd just been bodily carrying about three tons worth of weight. The _last_ thing he needed was the chimp messing around with a ballistic missile launcher. Leather woman turned to regard excited monkey with a bored-looking expression on her face, as if she had just realized he existed.

"No, you can't." she answered flatly. Goku pouted.

"Just _once_?" he pleaded. The woman just snorted.

"Yeah, _right_. Sorry kid, ain't happnin'. And anyways…" here she trailed off, looking down at the face of a grungy sports wristwatch. "Five…four…three…two…one…zero!" there was a sudden tiny 'pop', and everything seemed to shift. Several seconds of silence ensued, before the Sanzo-ikkou collectively blinked.

"Whoa…that was _weird_." Gojyo muttered, looking around and rubbing the back of his head. He looked right through the woman with the cannon still strapped to her back, and she smirked.

"Hmm….the twilight zone, isn't that what it's called?" Hakkai replied, absently putting a hand to both his own and his teammates' foreheads.

"Who cares? I'm _hungry_ Sanzo! " Goku wailed, turning towards his master.

"Shut the fuck up, all of you, and get the _hell_ in the car. We're leaving. This place gives me the goddamn _creeps_." the preist muttered.

"Awww…is Sanzo-sama _nervous_? That's so _cute_!" Gojyo cooed, jumping to avoid the predictable gunshot that followed the statement. He was still laughing as they all piled into jeep, despite the several shots the priest launched in a vain attempt to shut him the hell up. Jeep roared to life, Hakuryuu 'kyuuing' encouragingly as they sped off for the sunset, driving right over a suspicious looking sparkly smear on the ground.

And all was as it should be.

Taking a deep, savory breath, still tasting the death in the air, leather woman turned and wandered along the same road the car had taken, in search of a dry-cleaner and maybe some booze. Dried glitter and slime caked to her hair, the combination of so many shades forming a puce-colored goo that would undoubtedly be difficult to get out, not that she minded. Although getting three calls in a row had been rather trying. At least she had gotten to try-out her new _toy_. _Doom_ Cannon had a nice ring to it. Snickering to herself, she stumbled through the gates of the next village, slightly surprised at how fast she had come upon it. Apparently the author had warped reality a little much in this setting. The tire tracks that blew through the center of town told her that the Sanzo-ikkou had safely escaped, and so this reality would ultimately collapse soon. She wandered into the cleaners and dropped off her leathers, shedding them like snake-skin and wandering up to the counter dressed in a wife-beater and a pair of daisy-dukes.

"Clean these please." she said, shoving the pile at the frightened looking old man behind the counter. He blinked at her over large, thick spectacles that made his eyes look as if he were wearing binoculars.

"N-name Miss?" he asked slowly.

"Mei-Ming." she replied emptily, already halfway out the door. "I'll be back for those in an hour, and they'd better be _perfect_." she finished with a growl. And then she was gone, leaving him fumbling with the reeking cow-hide nervously. What on earth was _on_ these things?

Mei-Ming, or _no name_, as it was translated, sauntered out across the street to the local bar. Heedless of her attire, she walked right up to the counter and barked at the bar-tender to get her a lemon sour. He did so nervously, and she snorted as he placed it in front of her, taking it and downing it all in one gulp. No sooner had she finished when a small, electronic device attached to her daisy-dukes began beeping and vibrating simultaneously, as frantically as if Mei-Ming were a doctor working in the ER. Grumbling, she pulled out something flat and flipped it open.

"_What_?" she barked at it, and the bartender flinched, feeling sorry for whoever happened to be on the other end. There was a tinny rumbling sound and Mei frowned. "_Now?_ My clothes probably aren't even clean yet!" There was more static and Mei frowned in agitation. "Yeah yeah, I got ya. I'm on my way Goddamit!" so saying, she snapped the receiver shut and tucked it back into her hot pants. "Sorry old man, can't stay. How about one for the road?" and the grin she flashed him as she stood up was positively maniacal. He fixed her another lemon sour as fast as his trembling fingers would allow and then handed it to her in a wine-skin that had been hanging on the back wall for at least twenty years. "You're the _best_!" she squealed like a fan girl, throwing her arms around him in a bear-hug. The scent of blood and stale perfume and something else not quite definable invaded his nose and threatened to take his consciousness away. Thankfully she was gone in a matter of seconds. He stared out the doorway for a few more seconds before shuddering visibly and turning to his assistant.

"Watch the bar. I need a shower." he grunted, heading for the back stair. The young man nodded, wholly sympathetic. You tended to meet a lot of weirdoes in these places. Although this one was _nothing_ like the girl who had come in earlier, blinding all of the patrons with the amounts of glitter oozing off of her person. He had wondered how the rest of her group hadn't gone blind…Oh well, not his problem. Shrugging, he started to wipe down the bar.

Mei-Ming raced into the cleaner's place as if Hell were on her heels. For all extensive purposes, it could have been. In fact, it was very probable. The amount of massacring she did on a daily basis was probably starting to make a few people look bad. The old man behind the counter squeaked and popped upright when he saw her , likely faster than was good for him.

"Give me my leathers old man! Cleanliness can wait!" she barked, thrusting her arms at him. Shakily, he pushed a set of clean, pressed and folded black leather into her arms, the studs shining a brilliant blood red in the light of the setting sun filtering through the window. Mei's eyes nearly popped out of her head! "Whoa speedy! Most awesome!" she squeezed herself into them right there in front of him. "Gotta dash!" she yelped, grabbing his face and planting a big sloppy kiss on his forehead. "You're the best!" She sped out the door, and as she faded into the blood red sun setting in the distance, reality seemed to fade with her, leaving a dark, empty dimension in its wake.

When reality spat her out again, she swayed unsteadily, the thick black heels of her enormous leather making an enormous racket on the concrete beneath her. Hmm….it looked like…an old subway station? And where on earth was the target?

"Tch. I can't believe they called _you_ in for this….although it pains me to say it….it's a good thing they did…" Jane Doe scowled into the darkness of the subway tunnel, crossing her arms over her chest angrily. The leather of her coats sleeves creaked ominously in freshly cleaned protest, the metal studs clicking of off each other almost musically.

"Well well well. If it isn't the OOC police. Long time no see. This's gotta be a hell of an issue if _you_ guys are here." she grumped, bringing the rough sound of her voice closer to that of driveway gravel. There was a dry chuckle from the darkness beyond, and Jane Doe couldn't help the shiver that ran up her spine when several sets of fire-red eyes suddenly appeared at varying heights in the darkness, focusing on her form intently.

"They are….most _annoying_. They cling stubbornly and possess mystical _armor_ of some kind. We cannot accomplish our task as they continue to set our careful work on its ear. We are…at a loss…and as you know, our powers are….useless against them. In fact, we can only seem to provide fuel for their angst. It is most puzzling to us." Jane Doe shrugged, jumping down carefully onto the tracks in front of them, making sure not to look any of them in the eye for _too_ long.

"You guys outta know by now that those tragic pasts are a built-in camouflage and defense mechanism. It's built on the basis that there are very few people who can really let go and kick a puppy. Or kitten. Or whatever. Luckily I have no such scruples. So bring on the flower petals!" she declared, pumping a fist into the air, the wild look coming back into her eyes. There was a 'tsking' sound in the dark.

"We will never understand you either. Although that is not surprising, considering you are one of them…" Jane Doe's eyes went hard for a moment, and she frowned.

"_Was_ demon boy, _was_. Thank the creators I'm not anymore." she growled. There was more dry chuckling, and she couldn't help the shiver that ran through her body once more. _Was_ being the operative word when it came to the OOC police. She didn't envy them their job, although they seemed to relish in it. Nor did she _ever_ want to be a target. She'd never heard of them taking anyone down for sport, but she wasn't tempted to find out either. Her lack of desire to revel in angst or bishounen to care for her when she did made her just as vulnerable to that sort of attack as her character counter-parts.

"So where _are_ my playmates?" she pressed on, eager to finish and be on her way away from the OOC squad. There was a _hiss_ from the darkness beyond.

"Above ground. Hanging like parasites from those who belong." someone answered. Jane fought hard not to roll her eyes. Such _drama_.

"Well then let's get this show on the road. I've got shit to do, and I'd like to have a shower at some point." she grumped again, trudging towards them. She followed the sound of their footsteps through the darkness, wishing suddenly that she was still in that stupid bar throwing back lemon sours and waiting for her leather to get cleaned. She followed the sound of their movement up a ladder and out into the dingy twilight of an abandoned and thoroughly ravaged city. Well, at least being a war-zone she wouldn't have to worry about too many things. Although she wouldn't likely get a shower either. That thought gave her a pout.

"_There_." in the dim light of twilight, the OOC squad's lack of solid silhouette seemed even creepier than when they were just a few pairs of glowing eyes in the darkness. Jane preferred bright light, where they tended to look more along the lines of wolves or giant reptiles. Someone – thing – pointed to a crowd of teens milling about in the distance, dressed in brightly-colored somethings. There were about twelve, and five of them were smaller and slighter, and well…of the Mary Sue species. Jane would stake her very odd fluke of an existence on it.

"Hmm…. Five of them. Yich. They _are_ rather tenacious, aren't they?" she fingered the small part of the cannon grip that rested on her shoulder anxiously as the OOC squad seemed to mill around her like hungry wraiths.

"_Yes_. Hurry about your work, so that we can be about ours." they chorused. Jane snorted, grabbing the grip and using it to yank the cannon up onto one shoulder.

"Yeah yeah." she grumbled as the eye-piece flipped out. She squinted into the target for a moment before pausing, and pulling her face away. She looked rather puzzled. "Holy crap. Where'd they go?" she asked. The OOC squad seemed to have vanished as well, and she realized why when a metal boot reeking of perfume and trailing cherry blossoms came crashing down upon her jaw like an anvil. Jane Doe flew, cannon and all, a good ten feet into a nearby building where she stuck into the brick face like a fly in a web. Stupid fucking Mary Sue all-powerful kicks…

While Jane Doe was thus occupied cursing a mental blue-streak, something red came rocketing out of the sky, and then the world really did go bright for a moment, and she had the time to wonder if this was what everyone else felt like when she showed up on the scene. With the exception that she almost never launched herself into anyone with the intent of attacking. Not immediately anyways. Pissed-off now, Jane pulled her legs up and kicked out at the precise moment whatever the red something was tried to make hostile contact, and she gave it a good shove, sending it rocketing into the building across from her in much the same manner she had been launched. So maybe there was _some_ good in those all-powerful Mary Sue powers…

Viciously, she ripped both her shoulders from the brick and slammed her hands down, extracting herself from her hole in agitation. She landed and righted herself, pulling her canon back into position on her shoulder. With a glare, she surveyed her opponent(s).

And realized that she'd actually succeeded in pummeling one of them into the wall. Who turned out not to be an opponent. Ooops. Oh well. She was certain Sanada Ryo would survive. Gods knew he'd lived through much worse. Mary Sues had to get it from _somewhere_…

"How….how DARE you harm my love!" a musical, silvery voice called. Jane clapped a hand to her forehead, hoping her brains weren't leaking out at the cacophony. She eyed the figure pointing at her and swung her massive cannon around so that it was facing the girl at point blank range. She 'urked' and dove behind another of the foul creatures, this one sporting orange armor, which matched nicely with the girl's red. The orange one glared at her but made no moves of aggression. Jane watched them all with a flat, bored expression.

"He'll be fine. I'd be worrying about my own ass if I were you…" she grunted, taking aim.

"Now-now wait just a minute! How can you do this to us? Your own kind? How can you be such a heartless murderer?" the one dressed in green yelped, pointing accusingly. Jane frowned.

"I already had this discussion _once_ today dammit! I am _not_ one of you. Now hold still!" without further adeu, she launched the cannon, obliterating the red and orange one simultaneously. Oh _baby_ this cannon was _so_ worth the kickback! When she managed to pull herself out of the wall again, she was covered in sparkly red and orange slime, and she positively _reeked_ of perfume. But the sadistic look was back in her eye and she wasted no time in taking aim for the one in green.

"_Sho Kyu Ha!_"

…Ahhh crap. She'd forgotten about _that_ little detail, which was why she hated doing group targets. It left space for things to get more messy when you couldn't manage to get everything in one killing blow. Kind of like killing half a beehive. Which was ultimately the case as she went flying ass over teakettle into yet _another_ building. The migraine she was foreseeing on this one was going to be _epic._ Stupid fucking OOC police needing her to clean up their stupid-ass messes.

"We're ready for you this time! This will be your _last_ massacre Jane Doe!" Jane pulled her head out of the wall and turned herself rightside-up, frontside-round, glaring at the deep blue clad harpy who'd _dared_ to utter her name (or lack thereof) aloud. Standing, of course, from the courage-inspiring vantage point that happened to be behind one angry-looking Tenku no Touma. The _problem_ with doing these obvious shojos was that the male characters tended to lend themselves into being quite easily _bent_ so to speak. Which really sucked. If only everything could be as easy as Saiyuki….

"Save it honey. You think you're the first one to tell me that? If you think you'll be the _last_ then you're obviously out to lunch….Although you _were_ right about one thing…" Jane was popping her joints viciously as she spoke, and when she cracked her neck the one wearing light-blue armor looked slightly _green_ about the gills so to speak. She grinned ferally at the assembly, that _special_ smile that she was sure more people hated her for than her body count, showing two sharp, wicked looking fangs. "…This is definitely gonna be a massacre." and she launched herself forward, slow, unwieldy cannon forgotten amidst the high-pitched squeals of terror, juicy explosions and reek of perfume….she hadn't had this much fun in a _long_ time…

OOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Yeah, so there it is. Idle writer's block tripe. However, there's something fun about this one: You give me your ideas, suggestions, desires, etc., and I send Jane Doe on her next errand.

The rules: Jane will _not_ directly corrupt, use, or abuse someone else's fic. That's mean and downright rude, no matter how annoying the characters are. Jane only deals with _ideas_. If I think in any way that someone is having their story or chracters blatantly made fun of, the idea will be discarded. Any series is game. If I've never heard of it, or don't know it well, I may need some details.

Other than that, go nuts! Give me ideas, and I'll put Jane to good use!

Love ya minna! And_yes_, updates of both Trading and Edo II are in the works, but this writer's block is killer!


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